This was written after I said good bye to New York City and it’s an amalgamation of my feelings and thoughts, most of which were inspired by the Manifesto which gave me the courage to pursue my dreams and to live each day to the fullest. So, here it is - Saying Goodbye… for now: Now it really feels like the beginning of the end. Like I am about to wake up from a dream and it will be like it never happened. A part of me is scared to trust my memories because I am worried I will not remember correctly or that it will fail me. Or I am suddenly struck by how transient most things really are, like they happened within a certain space and time but once it’s over, the window is closed and that’s it. And you can never really revisit a moment, no matter how beautiful, no matter how great, because remembering is never the same as living within it. And everything right now feels like water in my hands, something I want to hold onto but just keeps slipping through. But if there is one thing that I have learnt from all of this, and probably the most important lesson, is who I am. I have found out what I love to do, what I want to do, what I want to see, who I want to be. I want to be challenged, I want to question, I want to spend time with the people I love, I want to see the world and all it has to offer, I want to learn all the languages I possibly can, I want to grow and most of all I want to be a better person, everyday. Most of all, I don’t want to lose who I am, ever again. This experience has taught me to appreciate how lucky I am to have choices and options; to have the luxury of having a dream and a goal that I can actually pursue. I do not think we need to remember how dire the situation of the world is; wars, institutions falling apart, financial and economic crises, famine, youth unemployment. It is as if the dust is settling and we are rebuilding everyday, or trying to, either trying to get by, with or without hope. In this world and age, what is the luxury of hope, much less dreams. This experience has driven the message home like nothing ever has before. So appreciate it, if you have it and fight for those who don’t. This is what I will be doing with my life from this point forward. I will leave this place feeling bittersweet, I have had a taste of what the real world is like and now I am more pragmatic about how to build back better. It shows how you can break everything down and you should not be scared about it either, and not be scared to fail because then it gives you the opportunity to be better and stronger, faster. I know I am not unbreakable but I have a better sense of what will and won’t break me. I wanted to be so sure of myself that nothing external would ever influence my values and integrity and I did it. I have more conviction - I guess that is what growing up does to you, it makes you see the world and yourself differently. Now, I want to fail more because then I have more chances to learn what I am doing wrong, faster, so I can fix it. Last of all, it’s the heart that matters - all the laughter, all the fun, I know I worry about it fading away, but I shouldn’t allow it to stop me from having more of it in my life. And it is not finite, nothing ever is, and if I ever start thinking that it is, I need to remember that you can never laugh enough, cry enough, learn enough, love enough, travel enough and grow enough. There will always be more, and you should never be afraid of wanting to feel more, whether it is sadness or happiness, because it is all part of living. It’s this thing that we call life. It’s complicated, crazy, chaotic, without direction but it is organic, and it can be, it should be. And most of all it is beautiful. And the sooner you let go of preconceived notions or the map or plan you have, the faster you will start living - I don’t want to be bound by the place I live in, to let it define me and I am not scared anymore of going out of those bounds, everything now is like an adventure and that is the way life should be. I want to be constantly pushing my own physical and mental boundaries and living outside of my comfort zone. And if there is one most painful thing that I have learnt, it is learning how to let go and when. And maybe this is the hardest lesson of all. Because it hurts like hell, and you are left with the feeling that nothing ever lasts and nothing will ever be the same, the second time around. But as with everything in life, you will ‘feel’ differently, see differently and each time, it will just get better - it’s all about perspective, keep that and it will all be fine. And although it does feel like the end is coming, I know that I am ready for more, whatever that may be. More adventures, more new places, more new people, more experiences, more life. It’s that feeling of walking around a corner and hoping that this is it, maybe after this one, it will be there, waiting and all the walking, all the twists and turns were worth it if it all led up to this one moment.

Love to write?

Every month we select at few writers to help us explore what it means to live a life of reflection and intention. Reach out to Helen, our editor at Helen.W@holstee.com to learn more

Like Mindfull Matter?

You are going to love The Holstee Subscription. Every month we explore one new mindful theme through art, words, and action. Sign up today and get your inspiration delivered!

Learn More

Comments

Recent Articles