Mindful Matter
A framework for healthy conversations.
There are some people in my life who are just great at resolving conflicts. They observe without judgement. They share their feelings. They focus on the issue (not the person). They speak clearly. These people are applying the concepts of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) — even if they aren’t doing it consciously.I remember the first time I heard about NVC. At first, the name threw me off. I thought, “I’m not violent, what does this have to do with me?” It turns out, a lot.NVC offers a simple framework for communication, particularly in tense moments when emotions are in full force. It allows for both compassionate and effective conversations. The four steps of NVC are: Observe without judgement. Express how you are feeling without resorting to a thought or opinion. State your unmet need without assigning blame. Offer a clear request for concrete action. The NVC model comes together like this: When I see that (observation) I feel (emotion) because my need for (need) is/is not being met. Would you be willing to (request)? I was recently on the receiving end of someone who applied NVC during a difficult conversation. Rather than tense up and become defensive, I relaxed my stance and could empathize with their position. I am pretty sure this approach prevented our disagreement from ballooning into something much bigger. I think this concept is so important, I’ve included a snapshot of this section from our Digital Compassion Guide, which breaks down NVC in a practical and actionable way. Give it a read and think about how this approach might influence your next challenging conversation. An inside look at this activity from the Digital Compassion Guide: Members can see the full Digital Compassion Guide on our site or by texting Compassion Guide to our chatbot, Maslow, at +1 (917) 336-1101. We also have a handful of Printed Compassion Kits (including an Activity Journal and a beautiful letterpress art print) still available in our shop. With respect and compassion, Mike Radparvar Co-Founder, Holstee & Reflection.app
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Care of Souls
“It turns out that the things we've been taught to pursue — money, status, power, fame, and sex appeal—are not only unworthy of us, but driving us to hurt ourselves, oppress each other, and damage our world. In ever-larger numbers, we see the lie and its toxicity, as we reject insufficient and untrustworthy systems, and despair at a culture of isolation and injustice.” This passage comes from “Care of Souls”, a capstone report written by Casper ter Kuile, Angie Thurston, and Rev. Sue Phillips — a group of Ministry Innovation Fellows at the Harvard Divinity School — with support from The Fetzer Institute and On Being. Over the course of four years, these fellows traveled around the U.S. to understand the loneliness, isolation and division that plague so many in the digital age. The report caps off their research and illustrates seven innovative community leadership roles that they feel are needed now. The seven roles are: The Gatherer — Forms communities of meaning and depthThe Seer — Helps us approach the sacredThe Healer — Breaks cycles of violenceThe Steward — Creates the infrastructure for spiritual lifeThe Elder — Grounds our gifts in history and communityThe Venturer — Invests in creative ways to support human flourishingThe Maker — Reminds us how to be human According to the authors: “These are the new interpreters of ancient wisdom, sanctifiers of daily life, and speakers to the deepest ground of our being. They do the project of being human in a different way. They solve for social and spiritual disconnection, and provide others with permission and resources to do the same. To know them is to know courage and imagination. Perhaps you know them. Perhaps you are one of them. If you can’t see them, it’s because they belong to a future that is only just emerging. The categories they belong to don’t yet exist.” In the report, the authors detail why each role is important and the pitfalls that a person or organization in this role will need to avoid. For instance, the Seer will need to avoid “guru-syndrome” while the Steward will need to understand the importance of traditions and ancient practices while also imagining and testing new ones. It’s a truly profound piece and was one of a handful of resources we curated for our members this month. Which role do you align with most — or would you like to? Mike RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. Thank you to Holstee community members Danya and Nick for sharing this report with me!
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I'm (not) fine.
Usually when someone asks me, “How are you?” I respond instinctively with an, “I’m fine, thank you.” The problem is, fine isn’t a feeling. At best, it’s a nondescript, neutral state of existence. And “I’m good” isn’t much better. These responses are the consequence of years of mindless reactions to a soul-searching question that people colloquially use as a greeting. But when we take the time to sit with it, the question is quite powerful. “How are you?” Or, asked differently, “What does it feel to be you right now?” The first step to answering this question is finding the right vocabulary. The Center for Nonviolent Communication (which honestly should be renamed “The Center for Rational, Thoughtful, Self-Aware and Productive Communication” — yes, I am a huge fan :-)) is a resource that can help us find the words for what we are feeling and trying to communicate. In our Compassion Guide this month, we dove deep and synthesized dozens of pages into a short and really helpful exercise for members. But back to finding the right words… the Center has a resource listing the wide variety of emotions we might be feeling at any given time. They divide the words into two buckets — feelings for when your needs are met and feelings for when they are not. Take a look at the following words. Pause for a moment with each — what does that feeling really feel like? ProudRestlessRestedScaredContentExhaustedHelplessClear-headedInsecureAnxiousRadiantRelaxed … the list goes on. “Fine” is not on the list. Neither is “good”. :-) So, how are you? Dave RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee
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5 Things We Learned About Compassion this Month
Jennifer Lioy, Creative and Community Lead at Holstee
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