Mindful Matter
'My life is over.’
When I was in high school, I did something I am really ashamed about. To this day, I have trouble sharing the story. My sophomore year, I stole a copy of my Latin II exam a few weeks before we were scheduled to take the test. It was the hardest class in school, and I was really worried about making it through. I shared it with a few friends, but within days it had made its way around the whole class. It was only a matter of time before I got caught. I was suspended. This meant I got a failing grade, which meant I had to go to summer school. This wasn’t even the worst part. What stung for me most was being labeled as someone who steals and cheats. I didn’t know how to tell my little brother Dave or older sister Ramesh, let alone face my classmates and teachers again. I started convincing myself that my life was over (remember, this was high school). I was lucky to have parents who knew me and knew that this lapse in judgement was not who I really was. They reminded me that yes, I messed up, but this experience didn’t have to define me — if I was smart, it could help shape me. It did. I learned that we all make mistakes — moments when we stray from our personal moral code. When this happens, we can either spiral into shame and self-doubt, like I started to do all those years ago. Or, we can take responsibility for the error, try to understand where we went wrong, and consider what we could have done differently. Reflecting on the moment allows you to grow from the mistake rather than define yourself by it. And if you are open to growing from bad experiences, you may end up in a better place than where you started. Mike RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. I have made it a practice once a year to review my own personal values and method for staying on track. This month’s Integrity Guide is a great framework for doing that.
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Integrity on trial.
We rarely talk about politics in our emails. Not because it's not important to us — in fact, it's something that Mike and I are very passionate about. Rather, it’s because we assume that, like us, your inbox and news feeds are already brimming with enraging headlines, divisive rhetoric, and disappointing outcomes. But it feels impossible to discuss this month's theme of Integrity without acknowledging recent events. The role of US Supreme Court Justice is not a typical government position. It is one where your moral compass has the ability to set legal precedent for the entire nation. It doesn't only require someone with deep knowledge and experience in the legal history of the nation but it requires someone who will stand up to protect the rights of its citizens. It was bad enough to see an accused sexual predator with a history of questionable decision-making nominated for this distinguished role. But then, judge Brett Kavanaugh turned his Senate confirmation hearing into an opportunity to accuse the Democratic Party of conspiring against him — despite the fact that the job in question is supposed to sit above partisan politics. With the lines of politics and justice so blurred and broken, it felt like the integrity of the nation was on trial. And the outcome was supremely disappointing. So where do we go from here? I asked myself the same question on November 9th, 2016. Today, I have a slightly different answer. Today, we prepare to vote. The midterm elections are on November 6th. Here is how we can prepare: Confirm you are registered (takes less than 30 seconds). Check if your friends and family are registered and, if not, help them register to vote. Find your local polling stations — or if you live in a state that has vote-by-mail, see if there’s still time to request a ballot. On your calendar, set aside a few hours on November 6th that you will dedicate to voting. Reach out to your friends and family to see if they want to go to the polls together. Show up in record numbers with millions across the country to vote in representatives with integrity. I still believe that love, understanding and compassion will help heal the growing divide that is festering in America. This month, let’s prepare to vote with integrity, expressing our values all the way down the ballot. Your vote is your voice — use it! Dave RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee
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Personal, Permanent, Pervasive.
“While you can’t control your experiences, you can control your explanations.”– Martin Seligman Many things in life are outside of our control. But one thing that is within our control is how we explain the things that happen to us. This is known in psychology as our “explanatory style”. The language we use and the way we perceive our experiences — especially challenging ones — can have a lasting effect on who we become. Like many of life’s big lessons, understanding a concept is far easier than putting it in action. In Martin Seligman's book Learned Optimism, he offers three explanatory styles that we typically use when we recall experiences: Permanent, Pervasive and Personal. For each style, we can choose either an optimistic or pessimistic response. To understand these better, let’s use a recent example from my life. Just the other day, I walked onto my balcony after a week away and saw my tomato plant nearly dead. Here are the different explanatory styles my self-talk could adopt: Do I view this as permanent or impermanent? Permanent: “I’ll never have homegrown tomatoes.”Impermanent: “It didn’t work out this time, but there is is always next season.” Do I view this as pervasive or specific? Pervasive: “My tomato plant is like everything else in my life — all effort but no fruit!”Specific: “I may have lost that plant, but I still have a garden of herbs.” Do I view this as personal or external? Personal: “I just don’t have a green thumb.”External: “Maybe there wasn’t enough sun or the tomatoes needed more water while I was away or perhaps there are bugs sucking the life out of my plant.” (In my case, turned out to be those little bugs!) This is not to say that all situations should be met with unchecked optimism. Critical thinking can help us minimize future risks, put things in perspective, and generally learn, grow, and flourish. It’s a matter of knowing our explanatory styles and understanding how they shape our experience in the world — and in what ways they lead us astray. To growing with the garden, Mike RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. We explore this concept a bit further in our Resilience Guide, along with the idea of kintsugi and a few exercises to help you reflect on how resilience plays a role in your life.
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Grief as a mirror.
Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirrorup to where you are bravely working. Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see. Your hand opens and closes, and opens and closes.If it were always a fist or always stretched open,you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding,the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds' wings. - Rumi, 13th Century Persian Poet In challenging times, it can feel like everything is falling apart — like not just that person, relationship, or dream is lost, but all is lost. In this poem, Rumi reminds us that it is in these very moments of grief that we begin to understand who we are. The loss can shake our foundation, cracking the shell of our ego, which makes our understanding of the world and our place in it open to interpretation. Through the pain and through the sorrow, we begin to understand what it takes for us to feel at peace, to feel complete, to feel like we can once again walk the earth with a sense of connection to it, instead of in a perpetual state of skepticism and distant observation. Rumi reminds us that the natural flow of life includes expansion and contraction, with everything constantly in motion. Coasting and flapping, opening and closing, ups and downs — that is what it takes to fly. Dave RadparvarCo-Founder, Holstee P.S. Does this poem look familiar? We quoted a line from it in our Resilience Guide this month. This powerful guide also explores the Japanese concept of kintsugi and how it helps us relate to our challenges, as well as positive psychology research from Martin Seligman that encourages connection to the defining moments in our lives. View the Print Art and Guide or the Digital Resilience Guide here →
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